Last night I made a crucial mistake, one I promised myself I wouldn’t do until I was all the way through the novel.
And I had a good reason for it too.
I went back and re-read some of my NaNo novel.
Yes, I can hear you screaming. But I promise I had a good reason!; I wanted to make a Table of Contents so I could keep track of what was happening where. Not just a list of chapters, but also a short synopsis of what has gone on in each chapter. “I use the term “Chapter” lightly. Each chapter is at the most four or five pages long.)
But that meant at least skimming over each section a bit to get some idea of what I have been writing.
Hoo, boy, was that a mistake for my self-esteem.
[**Here our courageous authoress takes a break to make some Tazo Awake tea, which she is in DESPERATE need of this morning! She also puts on some Dido, and opens the blinds a tad.**]
There. Much much much better.
“There will be no white flag above my door” INDEED!!!
“I won’t put my hands up and surrender.”
Preach it girl!
“I’m in love”….er, okay, well, maybe not the entire song can relate to NaNo.
Back to the topic!
I scanned my first 9(ish) chapters….and all I saw was gibberish. Would anyone really want to read this CRUD?! This WASTE MATTER I am calling a NOVEL?!
Is there any hope for me in the fictional realm?!
As you can imagine, this greatly discouraged me. And even though I managed to write just over 1200 words throughout yesterday, I still felt wholly discouraged last night. And I’m fairly certain I had weird, troublesome dreams that went back and forth from the house I built in Sims 3 last night (it was based on my real house, just as the Sims I created were based on me and the hubby) and disturbing visions of my ‘novel’.
Why did I play Sims 3 for two hours when I could have been writing?
Because I needed to get my mind off of the friggin’ thing for a while and do something completely unrelated to the novel at all. And, while I have a whole host of characters in Sims 3 based on my fictional characters, I felt like starting a new town with my husband and I, and building our house, because it’s fun.
On a positive note, I think the Table of Contents will help me in the long run; there’s some characters, etc. I’d forgotten about that I fully intend to go back to, so that will help me flesh out some more content. Also, I was able to force myself to round out Chapter 8 a bit more, and make it make more sense. Plus, I’m planning on meeting my writing buddy tonight for some writing, which will probably help me TONS! (It will also help me to get the heck out of my house, and do something SOCIABLE!)
Even given the positives, I still feel that Chaos City: The Rise of Koulyn isn’t exactly what I was hoping for. But, that’s what the editing month is for, right?
I think part of my discouragement tends from two things: One is that, earlier this year, I went back and started reading over my old writings from college and when I lived overseas.
It…made no sense. I don’t mean that in a self-effacing, emo, “Oh woe is me!” kind of way; it literally made no sense. There was no coherent plot, characters came and went with no explanation, new stories were began out of nowhere, old stories had no coherent end…CSWP is just a complete mess. (CSWP being what I call all those writings.) It also didn’t help that it basically consisted of several anime and book characters, along with a few real people I knew at the time, being thrown together in the same universe as my own fictional characters. (Talk about a mess! People who complain about teens writing Twilight fanfic have never seen a real mess of fan-fiction as compared to that. Mary Sue‘s head would explode, to be sure!)
And, while it’s quite over the length a NaNo novel should be….it’s a bunch of different stories and time-lines thrown together. It resembles more of a rant in fictional form, or a scribble pad, than it does an actual novel. Perhaps some ideas for separate stories, but nothing that could make a stand-alone novel all on its own.
And, while I know I have a clear idea this time and am keeping strictly to one story and a certain set of characters, I still feel that it’s nothing more than gibberish.
But, I’m going to endeavor to finish it anyways. Because my characters deserve it.
And because if I don’t finish it, they will never ever leave me in peace.
So here’s to trying to make some sense out of the chaos, and hoping that I’m just being a bit emo rather than correct.
Have you ever felt discouraged by your creative outlet? How did you get past that discouragement?